I had the amazing idea a few months back that I’d throw together some rules to represent a certain unnamed show’s characters in a game of 40k. Now, I’m doing quite well with the actual rules, but I wanted to make the rules feel like they came from GW. As such whenever there is an army list entry, there is some fluff to do with said choice. So here are some quotes I thought best represented each character. Tell me what you think.
By that I of course mean "Kib, tell me what you think."
“What was that?” Asked Mal, looking out of the front screen, “Was that our front stabiliser?”
“It certainly looked like it!” Quickly replied Wash, somewhat distracted by re-entry.
“Perfect!” He shouted, hands now in the air, gesturing to where the stabiliser should be, “We now have no front stabiliser, are we gonna be OK?”
“Umm…” Wash looks at Mal. The captain makes his way toward the ship’s loudhailer and picks up the mic to talk into.
“This is the Captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then… explode.”
Jayne enters the room, “We’re gonna explode? I don’t want to explode, Mal!”
“I didn’t see you there” said Tracy, tucking back into his beans. After saving his life, Zoe simply crouches and says to him, “First rule of battle, little one: Don’t ever let them know where you are.”
At that precise moment, the shelling and shooting began anew at the south side of the complex. They look over, and Mal runs in with guns blazing: “I’m right here! I’m right here! You wanna come in? Yeah you do! C’mon! C’mon!”
Zoe lowers her head, somewhat defeated by her Sergeant’s actions. She mumbles “Course, there’s other schools of thought…”
Mal spots his friends by the fallen column, he scrambles his way toward them and sits down, saying, “My, that was bracing! They don’t like it when you shoot at ’em. I worked that out myself.”
They both look at him, blankly. “Damn Tracy, ain’t you dead yet? I wanted your beans…”
Something hit the ship. “My God, what was that!?” Shouted the Captain, looking like daggers at his pilot.
“It’s OK,” replied Wash, flashing his gaze back momentarily to explain “I’m a leaf on the wind!”
“…What does that mean?!”
Jayne turned to leave “Why didn’t you turn on me, Jayne?” Asked the Captain, in his matter-of-fact way.
Jayne stops. “Money wasn’t good enough” He turns back to face his employer.
Mal picked up his coffee, “What happens when it is?” He sips.
“Well,” replies Jayne, smiling, “That’ll be an interesting day…”
Mal smiles back “I suppose it will…”
Serenity’s Mechanic’s face lights up from being in the room. She’d dreamt of being a princess from the age of 5, this was as real as it was ever going to be, “These girls have the most beautiful dresses.” She looks down at her dress, and begins to stroke it a little, “And so do I — how about that?”
Mal grabs her gaze. “Yeah, well, just be careful.” He begins to look around, she follows suit; “We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you’re supposed to make me look respectable.
They look at each other again and smile, “Yes, sir, Cap’n Tightpants.”
The Captain turned round to Book, eyebrow raised, and asked “Shouldn’t you be talkin’ your religion and bringin’ the light to them Fuzzy-Wuzzies or some such?”
“Oh,” replied the Shepherd, trying not to laugh, “I think I have heathens a plenty right here…”
“I hope you’re not makin’ me your mission Shepherd: if you are, you’re wasting your time.” He turns and starts to leave, “You’re welcome on my boat; God ain’t.”
Mal turns to his ship’s doctor, now very annoyed that the cows were getting spooked by his sister “Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.”
River stopped what she was doing, turned round, put her head to one side and said to them both, “The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.”
Slowly, the Captain’s gaze went back to Simon “See; morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with,” he points at River “long as she does it quiet-like.”
Serenity’s doctor walked into his infirmary “What…happened in here?” He asks, carefully making his way through the mess toward Jayne.
The huge man looked over his shoulder at Simon, “Needed to find some tape.” He gets back to what he was doing, uninterested at the Doctor’s presence.
Annoyed, Simon puts his things down on the side where there’s still room “So you had to tear my infirmary apart?”
The Doctor puts his hands on his head “My god — you’re like a trained ape. Without the training!”
Inara sat at the Vidlink by her bed, talking to her old friend “It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle.” She looks away, almost smiling, “I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but…”
Nandi, stern yet warm to this friendly face, ventures “If they got guns, and brains at all…”
Inara interrupts, looking directly at the screen again “They have guns.”